So here we go. We'll keep it brief since Sundays coming up soon. I can't just have this great insight on a whim. Let's start with a game that's very important to me.
Washington vs. New York Jets
You: "Oh great! So the Average Bro's "feeling" is gunna be that Washington wins every game! I'm so mad I wasted time reading that stupid intro!"
Well Mr. Stupid McWrong-Face, let me assure you, that is not my goal. And frankly, I'm insulted. I worked hard on that intro. As I said, this match up just speaks to me. Let me explain.
Every game being played on Sunday is between a creature/animal and a human. Go ahead, check the schedule. I'll wait.... You see! I was right! You want to dispute them? Come at me. I can dispute with the best of them.
But oh wait! There is one game that doesn't follow that format, Washington vs. the Jets. Because the Jets aren't an animal. So right off the bat, this match up speaks to me. This is going to be a battle. The Jets are vying for a wild card spot while Washington is fighting to stay out of last place in their division now that the Eagles seem to want it so bad.
So now, I've gotta delve deeper.
Mike Shanhan has always been a coach in love with the run game, but since he's come to Washington, he hasn't had much luck with his backs. Long time starter Clinton Portis got injured half way through last season and it essentially ended his career. The limited success he had with Ryan Torain has been further limited by his bum hand. One of the biggest off-season moves was for former Arizona Runningback Tim Hightower, whose season ended before it really had the chance to begin. What is a running offense to do!?
Don't worry Mike Shanahan! You're prayers have been answered! Your 4th round draft pick Roy Helu has shown he's ready to be the next running back to risk ending his career by being the Skins leading back. Did you see him against the Seahawks? He Hurdled the defender and ran in for a touchdown!
Helu was born in California, went to school in Nebraska and now plays in DC. He's hopped strait across the country through his life to get to this game. And how do you think a classy guy like this is getting around? Think he's taking a car? Train? Nope! He's leaving on a Jet Plane! Helu's been taking advantage of Jets for years! Why should this game be any different!?
Washington over the Jets by 3
Kansas City Chiefs vs. Chicago Bears
This game jumped out almost right away. That's because its a strait up Quarterback battle! Palko and Hanie! Get some!
Okay just kidding. This game isn't about the starting Quarterbacks. It's all about the Quarterbacks on the sideline.
On the Bears side! At 235 pounds (237 if you count his hand cast) Jay "Not Today" Cutler!!!!
On the Chief's side! Standing 6'4" ( though its hard to measure him bent over crying lately) Kyle "Move Down a Mile" Orton!!!!
Yes the old switch-a-roo brothers meet for the first time since that fateful trade. Its finally the time for each to prove they were the better chance to take. And of course, neither of them are starting. So what it really comes down to is a staring contest across the field. And that stare down will be a microcosm of the whole game.
Who will win eye lock of the ages?! Well if I know old "neck beard" Orton like I think I do, there are few people on Earth who stay dead locked in a dumb look like he does. Or he might just fall asleep standing up a lot. Either way he's gunna take the trophy for that staring contest.
The only problem is, unlike Cutler, Orton will play in this game. Palko is a bum and regardless of the fact that Orton is too, they're going to give him some snaps. And if you think that's going to cut into his staring contest, you're dead wrong! He'll fumble about 12 snaps to start out just because he won't want to take his eyes off Cutler. Congratulations Kyle, you've won the staring contest championship. It'll be good to have that to fall back on now that you're NFL career is over.
Bears over Chiefs by 7
San Diego Chargers vs. Jacksonville Jaguars
Man! ESPN must be kicking themselves for extending that Monday Night Football Contract. Monday Nights have either been complete landslides (i.e. St. Louis vs. NY Giants, Green Bay Packers vs. Minnesota) or just complete tickle fights (i.e. Colts vs. Buccaneers, Ravens vs. Jaguars). Well the brain trust in the scheduling department has pumped out another snorefest. (How do the Jaguars keep playing in Prime time? Who thought they were going to be good?)
Well, to be honest, both the Jags and Chargers suck. There's no real way to spin that a different way. Running Back goes to Jags. Receivers go to the Chargers. At this point, the QB position is really a toss up. They're just not very good. The Chargers should be able to pull this one out easily. But there's a kink in those plans.
As you know, this week is bound to be an interesting one in LA. The Dodgers are to be put up for auction with the likes of Magic Johnson and Mark Cuban fighting for ownership. There is great interest in owning a team in LA. Hey! That city should get an NFL team! I bet lots of people would like to own part of one of those!
The Jaguars are just waiting for the stadium to be finished out in LA so they can move there sorry franchise out of Jacksonville. Like seriously! What's even in Jacksonville? There's more in Jackson, NJ than in Jacksonville, FL.
What better way to impress those LA investors who are in the middle of tossing crazy money around than pulling a huge (yet manageable) upset against a struggling California team. Not to mention the fair weather fans in the beautiful weather town of San Diego (It's the greatest city in the world, That's a fact!) will quickly flip their fandom to the new trendy LA team as soon as they show up. And if the Jags can pull off a win, that flip may come even sooner. The Jags may not have a head coach or a GM, but they do have Blaine Gabbert who just got out of college. So he can't have lost all that knowledge yet, right?... Right?
Jacksonville over San Diego by 5
Well folks, there you have it! Drink it in, it always goes down smooth. I have given you the keys to Sunday. Take them and understand they carry great responsibility. Go put plenty of jelly beans on these games, they're Stone Cold Lead Pipe Locks!
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