And even cooler than that, is everyone's favorite football based past time!
That's right! It's fantasy football time again! Some drafts are going on now and the rest are coming up fast! As any good Fantasy player will tell you, you must prep for this wonderful event. If you're idea of pre-draft research is picking up a two bit fantasy magazine on the way to the draft, you might as well buy a box of tissues too, cuz you'll be crying all season long. Studies have shown that last minute preppers come in last place 150% of the time. That's a legit study!
So of course you'll buy your ESPN Fantasy Football magazine, and study depth charts and listen to Matthew Berry. And I'm sure you will have lots of fun in your league while you come in fifth place.
FIFTH PLACE!
Cuz that's where you're gunna be if you consider all that "enough research"! Is that where you want to be!? If so, then fine. Enjoy mediocrity and being able to say "If only Ray Rice didn't get hurt in week 7, I totally would have made the playoffs!" You hold onto that. I'm sure someone cares.
If you're not fine with that, keep reading.
This article isn't for the weak of fantasy mind. This is some deeper, darker fantasy advice. This is what Matthew Berry and the rest of the experts won't tell you. This is your Beautiful, Dark, Twisted Fantasy Football.
A fantasy football championship is not an easy thing to attain. And you can't always win it by playing nice. In fact you can't win by playing nice. Studies have shown that 99% of fantasy football champions won by getting down and playing dirty. The other 1% were in leagues where kickers were taken in the 3rd round.
So I'm here to tell you what the experts won't. Listen closely and be careful fantasy wimps. This article is NSFGTS (Not-Safe-For-Goody-Two-Shoes).
The Draft
Is it the best day of the year? Yep! More fun than Christmas and Hanukkah and Free slurpee day at 7-11! It's awesome! Everyone there has the same goal as you. They've been researching and re-researching for months! Fantasy players prepare for fantasy drafts more than actual NFL rookies prepare for their draft (studies have shown). There's food and beer and friends and jokes and laughs about drafting Terrell Owens 10 minutes before he was released! You have to have a good time right!?
Wrong.
This is your first chance to strike. People prepare like crazy for the draft, but when the day comes, either the pressure or the fun of the day gets in their head and alters their mindset. And while everyone is in this awesome induced stupor is when you begin your assault. Here's a few tips.
- Fake Draft Sheets
- It seems so "Nickelodeon Magazine" but it will work. People can have all the fantasy magazines they want, they're usually obsolete before they get to the first page. With injuries, cuts, and roster moves going on throughout the preseason, it's hard to keep track of who's where in the rankings. The best way to do that is with Draft Sheets. And most people don't print them out before the draft. Luckily, they have a friend like you, who took the liberty of printing out a few extra sheets. "Luckily". Because you've taken ESPN's great and helpful sheets and manipulated them, ever so slightly, to make them subtley disastrous to someone's draft. Take a lesser known guy like Zac Stacy and move him to the third round. Then put another guy like AJ Jenkins in the seventh. He'll think he's stealing sleepers all over the place. It's a small step, but one that will help in the long run.
- Pro Tip: Only make a few copies. You want the dumb drafters to get some kind of affirmation without everyone in the room catching on. Everyone else will call him an idiot but that goes on after every pick in the draft anyway.
- Keep an ear out for favorite players
- This is something you can do in the months leading up to the draft. Keep an ear out for people who like certain players. Do you have a KC fan in your league who knows this will be the year for Dwayne Bowe? Draft him. If someones been talking about Fred Jackson all summer, draft him. People might not pull the trigger in the heat of the moment but might make a pre-season or early season trade for what you're looking for.
- Pro Tip: Be careful of the hustlers. People will always try to hype players they don't like in hopes you will take them. Try to catch people in an honest moment. See if you can catch a glance at their draft sheets. Picking someone they plan on picking can really throw off their draft but if they pull the wool on you, you're stuck with a bunch of players nobody wants.
- Invite lots of hot women to your draft
- I know what you're thinking. "Food, beer, fantasy football AND hot women? I can't think of a better way to spend my day!" Most of the guys in your league will feel this way. But there are a couple of nerds. You know who you are. Nerds who can hardly talk around hot women. There are some nerds out there who think they can talk to hot women but then when presented with said hot women...nothing! They panic make bad picks. And there's hot women there...so that's cool!
- Pro Tip: If the women know their football, even better! And make sure they're on your side. A hot girl making fun of someones first round pick will ruin their draft.
- Food for all
- It's easy to make terrible food or to give everyone food poisoning. That's rookie stuff! The best way to take people off their game is to get on your cooking game. The better and more plentiful the food, the less likely people will be to pay attention. If you're spending lots of time at the buffet, you're not spending enough time at the draft board. Plus a pick of "Adrian Peterson" with a full mouth sounds a lot like "Cordarelle Patterson". That's what I heard. Count it.
- Pro Tip: What do Ribs, Wings, and tacos all have in common? They're messy. I don't know about you but I wouldn't think of touching my lucky draft sheet with saucy fingers.
- If all else fails...
- Just hype the Jets. And if this works, you shouldn't need any advice...congrats on winning your league.
Stay Tuned for the next installment of My Beautiful, Dark, Twisted Fantasy Football where we will discuss setting your week 1 Lineup. Until then, remember Pros and Bros, playing dirty will win your league 110% of the time.
No stats in this article can be proven...unless you can prove them. In which case send me your research dude!
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