Behind Locker Room Doors: Conspiracies of the NFL Draft!

In just under a week, the NFL Draft will commence. This is a great day in the year for all NFL fans. Who will my team draft? Do they get a shiny new quarterback? Or a hardnosed offensive lineman? Do they get that one guy I saw play one time and heard a guy say that he would fit our system? Or are they dumb and going to pick some guy who I've never heard of?! Idiots!

Anyway, the one thing I'm shocked about every year, is that there isn't some wheeling and dealing going on. And I'm not talking about trades for picks and Mel Kiper trading inside information for hair gel. I'm talking about some real, back room conspiracies. Oh yes! You thought conspiracies only existed in politics but, no! The NFL has them too! And boy are they juicy! Here's a few of my favorites.

1. The Jaguars select Geno Smith! If that is your real name!
It's been a hard couple of years for the Jacksonville Jaguars. Since the Jack Del Rio years, the Jaguars have been in the basement with no shot of finding the stairs. Blaine Gabbert didn't work out for them, Maurice Jones-Drew is frequently injured. There wasn't much hope in sight when the Jaguars decided to fire head coach, Mike Mularkey and GM Gene Smith after the Jag's worst record in history.

"That's Gene-O! Make sure you get that down!"

There is some speculation that the Jaguars could take West Virgina QB, Geno Smith, with the second pick in the 2013 NFL Draft. This would just be a simple pick if it wasn't A CONSPIRACY!

Flashback to the end of the 2012 NFL Season. Both the coach and GM are feeling that the end is near. They know they will soon lose their jobs. They start to work out together frequently to discuss their woes. In working out with an NFL head coach, Smith becomes quite the athlete. He looks a lot younger than he is and now he feels like it too. The firings eventually happen, which is expected.

February comes and Mularkey has Smith over for the Superbowl. They see this NFL Combine commerical featuring Deion Sanders as Leon Sandcastle! They drop their BBQ wings and look at each other with the same idea. They will get back into the Jaguars organization. Gene Smith enters the draft under an assumed name: GENO SMITH! He trains hard and makes it to the second pick! Will he get drafted? Will Smith and his agent, Ike Tusparky, look to improve the their former team with their second chance or do they seek to tear down the establishment that scorned them? Only time will tell!

2. Andy Reid, a man of the NFL

Andy Reid will begin his new job as head coach of the Kansas City Chiefs this year. His tenure with the Eagles was one with many highlights. He made the playoffs 9 times with 3 division titles and 5 trips to the NFC Championship game. He even has a trip to the superbowl! Blah blah blah!

After he left Philadelphia, he was out of the job for like 5 days. Then BANG! He was the first coach hired off the board! That feels good right? You leave a place like Philadelphia where, towards the end, he got his fair share of boos. Then all of a sudden another franchise is all excited that you're the next big thing! That's gotta make the man think he's pretty high and mighty.

Now, disregarding the fact that the man is the next biggest thing in any situation (BABOOM!), I don't see him having great success in KC. First of all, he's gotta run from mountain lions all the time, and I don't see him being very good at that. Then there's the issue of coaching the team. Alex Smith might be a good pick up but it's quite a gamble putting him over the likes of a seasoned stud like Brady Quinn! But there's a bigger reason Andy Reid won't succeed (TM). And it's A CONSPIRACY!

Andy Reid has a goal, and it's not to take the Chiefs to the Superbowl. Andy Reid want's to be a true man of the NFL. When he first left Green Bay for the Eagles, he was the new thing and everyone was excited! Then they got bored. Now he all of a sudden remembers what it's like to be wanted. It's a sweet feeling, but he knows it can't last long. He's Andy Reid.

Check out that shirt! Someone should tell him there's
no team in Hawaii for him to appeal to.

His plan definitely got off to a slow start in Philly and he wasted a lot of time. But now he's got a renewed sense of what's going on. He has to get fired by the Chiefs, so he can be rehired by another team, and so on. 30 more opportunities to feel like he's wanted and needed. His mistakes can't be huge, or else he won't get rehired. But there will be mistakes. And you'll know: he's doing this on purpose. Will he run out of time to make his pick on draft day? Or will he trade it to Detroit for that place kicker from YouTube? Only Time will tell!

3. Da Bears, Eh?

The Chicago Bears had a strange season in 2012. Charles "Peanut" Tillman led the Bears defense to a league leading 44 turnovers. Their defense was the top scorer on my fantasy team. Then they met the 49ers on a week where Jay Cutler was injured. Jason Campbell stepped in and that was about all he did. He looked like a guy who lost his job to Donovan McNabb or something. And not only that, but the defense seemed like they wanted to be just like their team leader. And they sucked!

The defense was able to pick themselves up, but they were never the same after that game. They struggled but the team was still able to get to a 10-6 record. But that wasn't quite good enough in the offensively charged NFC. They missed the playoffs, and head Coach Lovie Smith was fired. Smith was one of the coaches that not many people saw as being on the hot seat. But that's the way the NFL works. It's also the way CONSPIRACIES WORK!

The Bears brought in former NFL coordinator Mark Trestman. After his storied career as an assistant with many NFL teams, he became a head coach in the Canadian Football League in 2007. And now he's back. And he just wants us to accept that.

Well I know what his real angle is. The bears are clearly in a downward spiral. One of the biggest reasons is because kind-of-star quarterback Jay Cutler's main passes is the downward spiral. The defense won't be as good next year and they're losing a few pieces on offense. In a division with Aaron Rodgers, Megatron, and Adrian Peterson, the Bears hopes are looking fairly dim for the future.

But wait! The Bears may be a down trending team in the NFL, but I bet they would be an All-Star team in the CFL! This has been the McCaskey plan all along! Move the team to the CFL, sell tickets like crazy because Canadians LOVE anything american, and win a slew of championships! The plan can't miss! It would also make sense as to why they got rid of Brian Urlacher. You Know he wasn't down with the plan. Merican, through and through!

"Canada?! I'd rather work in Detroit!...No but seriously I'm not going to Canada"

Will they draft a star punter or two to help the Ottawa Bears "dropkick" scheme? Do they aim for a 3-down back because, well, that's all there is Canada? Only. Time. Will. Tell!



As you can see, there's a lot more than what meets the eye at the NFL Draft. There will be trades and moves up and down. But this is the stuff you don't see and won't even hear about. The NFL does a great job of keeping it under their hat. Or their poorly made toupee. Well played Goodell, well played.