Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Fantasy Success? Why Yes!: The Formula

Hello my fellow sports fans, and welcome to the Sports Pros first ever edition of “Fantasy Success? Why Yes!” For weeks I have been waiting to make my blog debut, struggling with ideas on how I can make my first impression perfect. My original plan, back in May, was to wait for the summers upcoming World Cup, where I would dazzle readers with my vast knowledge of the world’s most popular sport in a column I would call “ Soccer: Two cups awesome, one cup world”. I soon came to realize that in fact there was no world cup this year (don’t count the women’s) and that they only play every four years; which is shocking for how popular soccer is. (sarcastic if you an American reading this, and completely truthful if your European) So instead of waiting three more years to write my column, I decided to take charge and write one on what most people want to read, fantasy football.

With there being so many terrible influences in the fantasy football writing field, (insert Mathew Berry’s name here) I felt it was my duty to give the people some real knowledge, a real mentor to follow. Now I know what you’re thinking, “Why you? Why should I listen to some hack who calls himself a “Sports Pro”, over someone who actually gets paid to advise me on these matters?” Well you’re right, I am a hack, a hack who unlike the others (Mathew Berry), does not get paid for his self-proclaimed expertise. However, I fail to see this as reason enough to dismiss my knowledge as quickly as you wish to, and here’s why. I, unlike the other “experts”, bring a new analysis to the table, not just statistics or projections, but an analysis of the mental toughness it takes to win your fantasy league.

Don’t think fantasy football is at all mental? Well it is, 100% of it, and I truly feel that, in some indescribable way, my writing, although very unorthodox and technically poor, will help with your understanding and improvement of this newly discovered dimension. Now I will warn you, I’m no pro at writing, and there may be times that you find it truly impossible to read what I’ve written; whether it be from the poor grammar, or the poor punctuation, or the sentences that never seem to end (much like the one you’re currently reading); but I promise you, that if you manage to push through all of this terribleness, you will find that every sentence does in fact end, and that every post does in fact have some importance, so all I ask of you is to keep reading.

For my first post in this newly formed column, I will focus on the initial keys to your fantasy success. There will be no goofy intros or long winded anecdotes, no movie references or abstract quotes. There will be but one thing, a formula, one that was made for winners by a winner. Now I can’t promise absolute success, due to the true unpredictability of football, but I can promise that this formula will indeed help, and if you’re still reading this article, which hopefully you are, I can assume that any bit of help, or promise of help, is more than enough to make you happy...enjoy.


The Formula

Before I begin, I’d just like to say that this formula, the one below, is not the end all be all to fantasy success. It will not explain to you who to draft, or where to draft them. It will not tell you who the good sleepers are, or who the busts will be. It is simply designed to give you a better chance of winning, not through numbers or stats, but through a mental framework that no one else will have. (That is unless the read this article too, but that is highly unlikely)

Now you can, and most likely will, go your own way when drafting and managing your team, which you should do; at the end of the day it’s you’re team, and it will win or lose through your own decisions. However, I understand that these decisions will in fact be very hard, so in an effort to help make them a little easier I’ve designed this ground-breaking formula just for you.

Remember, winning doesn’t occur from compiling the most knowledge, but the right knowledge.

Also Remember, winning in fantasy football is 10% football, and 90% mental.

OK. Let’s start with our first variable, A Good Draft.


Fantasy Success = (A Good Draft + ...


Having a good draft is very simple, with but one step to instant success.

Step 1: Follow the Path set before you

No matter what number your pick, no matter what kind of league you’re in, take a look at the list of 300 players you have in front of you, whether from ESPN or Yahoo or CBS, and allow yourself to pick whosever next. There’s a reason those people get paid for making those projections,(although completely unreasonable) and there’s a reason we so adamantly follow them,(reasonable) it’s because they know more about this stuff than we do, so don’t allow yourself to think otherwise.

Don’t become attached to a player whether by name or college or hometown, and certainly don’t pick someone because they play for your favorite team. If you go into the draft with any prior thoughts on players and how they may do, or how YOU THINK they’ll do, I guarantee you’ll pick a worse team than you should. (Here I use a technique I learned from writing middle school love letters, not that I wrote very many, called the CAPITALIZATION technique. In this circumstance, the technique helps emphasize the fact that YOU, by thinking YOU know something about fantasy football, will in fact hinder YOUR efforts of winning.)

Take for instance March Madness. It’s the time of the year when everyone becomes a college basketball analyst; when everyone’s bracket becomes “the bracket”, and when everyone’s team becomes “the team”. But for most of us it never works out this way, why? Because we allow ourselves to become our own expert, falling in love with names and players so much that we forget the reason they’re ranked where they are. So we’ll pick Richmond to make it to the championship game, beating Kansas and Texas along the way, simply because we “have a feeling about them”. Well I ask you, no I beg you, don’t “have a feeling” about any player prior to the draft, because with this feeling usually comes higher expectations then reasonable, and a higher pick then acceptable, and all of this equates to a bad season. (In my case taking Beanie Wells with a 4th round pick and Jerome Harrison with a 5th)

Now I fully understand that every year there may be one or two George Masons, just like every year we may have one or two Arian Foster’s, but it’s impossible to guess who they will be. So instead of going into the draft thinking that Kurt Warner may once again play, or that Gary Kubiak will line up in the slot at some point this season (could happen) go into the draft with this thought, and this thought alone- YOU KNOW NOTHING ABOUT FANTASY FOOTBALL, DON’T ACT LIKE YOU DO (Again I capitalize in order to emphasize)

Remember, fantasy football success is 12% football knowledge, 78% mental stability, and 10% sight (in terms of seeing who’s next on your ESPN rankings list)

Also remember, don’t draft Chris Johnson…. He won’t end his holdout (I read that in high school he refused to leave the gymnasium until everyone declared him the badminton king; took 6 weeks to finally do so)

The next variable we will be addressing is none other than, A Good Name.


Fantasy Success = (A Good Draft + A Good Name +...


I hate to be that guy that says, “In this world there are two types of people” and then proceeds to say two types of people that, in his mind, make up the entirety of the world, when in fact he’s terribly wrong. Well in the fantasy football world, and in respect to the names we choose, there truly are two types of people. There’s A- Mr. One Name - and there’s B – The Weekly Name Changer. We’ll start first with Mr. One Name.

A. Mr. One Name – For starters, if you’re going to go with the one name method then you have to make sure it’s totally awesome. Something like “Mikes Marauders” isn’t gonna fly for the entirety of the year. When you’re making a long term name, your objective is to be both intimidating and exciting. You need to express far more than just winning one week, but the entire thing. Something like “Arian’s foster home for fantasy losers” might work, or maybe even “The Brady…what a bunch of losers in this league”. The key is longevity, if it feels like a winner, then keep it, if not, then maybe our next option is for you.

Note: Keep in mind that when winning, or at least competing, a Mr. One Name seems like a pretty decent guy, but if you’ve lost 4 games already, and you’re only 4 weeks in,then keeping the same name makes you look like a jerk.

B. The Weekly Name Changer – Changing your name on a weekly basis not only shows your competitors that you mean business, but it can also help to rattle their cage. Say you’re playing someone whom last year thought Jerome Harrison was a prime 5th round pick, (Idiot) now would be the time to get in his head with a good name, “My My My My Myyy Jeromaaa…..Harison”. Or, if you’re playing someone who absolutely hates a player on your team, make sure you emphasize the fact that he will soon lose to said player, “Trouble sleeping, Get Some Vicks Nyquil” I find this way to be much more entertaining, providing some zesty gamesmanship that might help you’ll pull out a win.

The next component we will attempt to discuss is by far the most crucial, Bad Sportsmanship.


Fantasy Success = (A Good Draft + A Good Name + Bad Sportsmanship)

Here’s the scenario: You and some loser in your league have a big matchup this week. You’re both floating around that final playoff spot, so a win here is crucial. However, your team has three guys on a bye, and on paper looks much worse, so you need something to gain an advantage, and there’s no better way than through bad sportsmanship. This can work in one of two ways; affecting him through real life torment or through fantasy torment, I prefer a combination of both.

Say he’s got work, and or school, at 7 am every day; well make sure he’s up at least twice between the hours of 2 am and 3 am for no less than two days at the beginning of the week. Once his sleep schedule is out of whack, you’ll want to spend the next few days regaining his trust; make him feel that your still friends. Now that he’s both tired and vulnerable, begin to feed him false information corresponding to players on his team, “I heard Vincent Jackson’s cat died yesterday…he’ll probably have a bad week”. Finally, when Sunday morning rolls around, and he he’s struggling to set his line-up, he’ll start Lee Evans over Jackson, simply because you got to him mentally.

Remember, fantasy football is almost 100% mental/strategic gamesmanship, so this type of technique can really come in handy.

Our final component, the one that all others are divided by, is none other than ones Week-to-Week Mistakes.


Fantasy Success = (A Good Draft + A Good Name + Bad Sportsmanship)

(The Number of Weekly Mistakes)


This one is pretty easy, and happens to go hand-in-hand with pretty much everything we’ve already covered. Here are a few rules to help explain this variable.

1. Don’t think you’re smarter than you are by starting Ronnie Brown against the Bills instead of MJD against the Steelers, that’s just dumb. You can’t predict who will end up with more, but THINKING that Ronnie Brown may end up in the game through some odd turn of events is just stupid, and mistakes like this will not give you the best chance of winning.

2. Don’t allow for other league members to unnerve you in any way shape or form. Your mind must be mentally stable throughout the entirety of this 16 week process, and if it is, then you should end up a champion.

3. Don’t listen to Mathew Berry’s weekly rankings, or his podcast for that matter; instead pick someone like Christopher Harris or Eric Karabell. Hell, you could even listen to Tim Hasselbeck for all I care.


There you have it, the formula for success. Take it and do well my friends, it’s all you will ever need for true fantasy achievement.

Remember, fantasy football is almost entirely mental, like 80%, so if you master that then you’ll master your league.

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